I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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