You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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