the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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