You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
