Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
