They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
