I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Duck Duck Cougar?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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