Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
she peed on how many people?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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