I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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