i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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