Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
