I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
