i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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