Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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