God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
