I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
