I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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