Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
