Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
