Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
