I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
