Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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