can we get nightvision for the apartment?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
