I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
