Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
