Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
