watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
