in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
