i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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