I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
