I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
