I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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