at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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