Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
