So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
