last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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