nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
