My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
