I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
