I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
