Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
