How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
