I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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