i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
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