you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
