apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
