Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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