im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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