I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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