She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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