Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
